Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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