She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
