I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
