I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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