did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
