after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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