when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
