i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
