Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
