Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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