I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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