I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
