He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
