Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
