Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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