Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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