I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I think i got beer on your cat.
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