Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
