If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
