I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
