how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If I die, sorry about rent.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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