Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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