After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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