my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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