Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
