my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
