dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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