My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
