My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
