I just saw a hot homeless man
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
