I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
