I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
