My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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