i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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