Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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