nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
