Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
