Soap is not a condiment
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
