My underwear smells like fireworks.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
