I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
