A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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