So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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