I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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