On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
