i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
