Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
