Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
