So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
