It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
