I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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