A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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