Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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